The Recurring Nightmare

Before I begin this story, let me tell you about my recurring nightmare, where I'm a chef, who is stuck in the kitchen, and no matter what I do, I can't get the food cooked and out to the guests. No matter what I do, no food can make it out.

Okay, now back to present day.

The boys had been planning an end of summer party at our house with lots of friends. Ten boys. They all called their friends and gave them the details, what to bring, when to arrive, etc.

Saturday at 5, friends begin arriving and I start chatting with one of the moms, as she drops off her boy. As we're visiting, I see another friend's mom arrive, carrying a bag. As she nears, I see it's a bag of wine. Well isn't that nice?, I think to myself. Such a kind gesture. And then, from around the corner, appears her mother-in-law, her husband, and her two older children. Fun! I think. I finally get to meet the mother-in-law I've heard so much about, who must be visiting from Mexico. How sweet of them to pay us a visit!

As the mom I was chatting with leaves, I head into the kitchen where I see my unexpected guests all gathered around the kitchen island, and Colin tearing open bags of chips and laying them on the counter. Nice! I think. They're going to stay and visit for a bit and we'll all nibble on some of the chips planned for the boys party.

Now please let me pause for a second to say I really really really don't like to serve chips out of a bag. It's just a little hang-up I have. I think they should be served in a bowl, because plopping chips down on a counter seems animal-like. Sort of like a feeding frenzy is going to ensue.

So, I glide into the pantry and grab some big bowls and casually transfer the chips. And everyone begins to feed. Sort of like they're really hungry.

hmmm, I think. I hope there's enough chips for adults and kids. Oh, it'll be fine, I tell myself.

Oh! I forgot to mention that at this exact moment in time, no other food exists in our house other than hot dogs, hot dog buns, chips, and soda. Because we're headed to the lake the next day. Just enough food for the boys at the party. I had planned on Colin and I just munching on some corn and other veggies from the garden that night.

So, as my unexpected guests munch in the kitchen, I go back to preparing a huge batch of cookies I had begun earlier. I prepare two panfuls and weaving through my guests, plant them in the oven, and set the timer for 8 minutes.

Bongo and his friends join us in the kitchen and announce that they're STARVING. So, I ask Colin to get the hot dogs going on the grill.

Unexpected guests continue to munch on chips.

Micah and friends sit down in the dining room and begin to munch on the other bowl of chips. They're really hungry now too. Then it dawns on me, why don't I make the boys some corn-on-the-cob to go with their hot dogs?

I head out to the garden and begin to pick corn. One of the guests joins me and helps me shuck corn. Her daughter comes out and tells me the oven timer has beeped, that Colin had taken the cookies out, but that he looked confused and wasn't sure if they were done. So, we head back to the kitchen to save the day.

The cookies look terrible. Flat and gooey. No problem, I think. I'll just add some flour. So, I mix in some more flour, make two more panfuls of cookies amid the chaos and put them in the oven. I forget to set the timer, and begin cooking the corn. I also notice Colin still hasn't started cooking the hot dogs and remind him that he really really needs to get them going.

Eventually, I remember the cookies, fly over to the oven to check, and they're still not done. Phew! So, I go to add 2 minutes on the oven timer. The timer runs for 2 seconds and beeps. I set the timer for 2 minutes again, it runs for 2 seconds and beeps again. The mom-in-law tries to come to my aid.

I need to pause here once again to tell you what's running through my mind at this time: I've heard for years about what an amazing cook this woman is. That they always yearn for the day that she arrives and cooks every meal while she's visiting. And when she's visiting, the sun shines brighter, stars twinkle more magnificently than any other time of the year- just over their house - etc. etc. etc. And above all that, she's an incredibly smart woman. An architect, a builder, and very self sufficient. A strong woman. And I'm wondering if she knows I'm a cookbook author and if she's wondering to herself what business I have being a cookbook author? I have starving kids, not much food, and my kitchen is chaotic - yes chaotic. Because. There. Are. 17. Humans. In. There. Right. Now.

And then, just as she's coming to my aid, and all of these thoughts are blaring through my mind like angry sirens, I'm awash with a horrible realization....

THEY ARE ALL HERE FOR DINNER.

We try to figure out the timer, and she instructs me to make it 2.0. I do, and it runs for 2 seconds again. So, she instructs me to make it 2.00. I do, and the timer appears to be cooperating. She asks me if I want her to help with the cookies. Sure, I say, still feeling sort of like I'm living in an episode of the Twilight Zone and knowing, yes KNOWING, that she thinks I'm inept.

I go back to tend to the corn on the stove. Then I hear her say the timer isn't working - that it'd actually been set for 2 hours.

Of course.

She says she'll just watch the cookies.

Still wanting to believe I don't suddenly have 17 mouths to feed, I casually take Micah out to the living room where I ask him if there's any way he possibly invited this family for dinner? Yes! he says. It's a family barbecue!

Oh heavens to Betsy, it's my recurring nightmare. But worse. I have no food to even TRY to get out of the kitchen.

I head out to the barbecue, where Colin - who is just as happy as a little clam because he loves a full house - is in his own little world, blissfully barbecuing. I lean forward and whisper: Oh my gosh! Micah invited everyone for dinner and we have no food! He continues to barbecue, and says nothing. I lean a little closer and whisper a little louder: OH MY GOSH! MICAH INVITED EVERYONE FOR DINNER AND WE HAVE NO FOOD! To which he replies: "I'm not going to say anything. They might hear me". And he continues on. No panic in the world for this guy. I make a mental note to kill him later.

We feed the boys and I know my guests are beginning to wonder when they might possibly be fed. I fling open the freezer to see what I can possibly make. I have one bag of baguette slices and one bag of flatbread.

The kitchen suddenly feels like it's 900 degrees fahrenheit. I ask if anyone else is hot. Nope. Just me.

I send Colin to the garden to pick some snap peas, cherry tomatoes, and anything else he can forage. I tell him to make sure he doesn't bring back peas. I need SNAP PEAS. He tells me he doesn't know the difference. And then guess what? The mom-in-law tells me she'll help him. And they head out to the garden.

I whip up a batch of an olive tapenade of sorts, from cans of food I scavenge from the pantry. I set that out with the baguette slices that have now thawed.

I grab a couple of cans of white beans from the pantry and decide to make a hummus-like bean dip that can be eaten with the flat bread and fresh veggies from the garden.

Colin and mom-in-law return with the fresh veggies, which turn out to be 8 snap peas and 5 cherry tomatoes.

Yep.

Just then, one of Micah's friends walks into the kitchen and asks if we have a vacuum. A child asking for a vacuum is never, I repeat - never - a good thing. Turns out they've broken a medicine ball and there is sand all over the basement carpet.

I leave the sand dilema to Colin and run out to the garden where I tear off a head of brocolli, some summer squash, and fresh parsley for the bean dip.

I return to the kitchen - which now looks like a bomb has gone off in it - and make the bean dip, with the help of my guests. Beans, olive oil, garlic, lemon juice, fresh parsley, and salt. Wizz wizz wizzzz in the Cuisinart and it's done.

Then another mom arrives and joins us. Now we number 18.

Colin returns and I remember we have carrots growing in the garden. Colin and mom-in-law head back out to the garden and I decide to tell my guests the truth. Because I have my pride. I really really don't want them thinking I've invited them for dinner and that all I'm going to serve them is olive tapenade and bean dip.

They all laugh - thank heavens - and I feel a sense of relief. Colin and mom-in-law return and I realize that OH NO! Mom-in-law doesn't know because she was in the garden when I confessed that they were unexpected guests and wasn't it so funny that Micah invited them and I didn't know....

So, all night long, I worry that she thinks I'm a horrible hostess.

I serve up what turns out to be a big platter of fresh veggies (sliced raw summer squash, carrot sticks, broccoli, cherry tomatoes, and snap peas) with the flatbread and bean dip, olive tapenade with baguette slices, and a few leftover hot dogs. Oh, and a huge plate of warm cookies.

And it all turns out okay. Really lovely, in fact. Because being in the company of friends is the best place to be. Ready or not.

And at the end of the evening, mom-in-law turns to me and tells me how nice it was that I didn't freak out and just made due with unexpected guests.

And I was just so relieved that someone had told her at some point in the evening, and that she didn't think I was an epic failure of a hostess.

And now I've conquered my recurring nightmare.

The end.

P.S. No names were changed to protect the guilty in the telling of this story. Truth be told, the re-telling of it has been sort of therapeutic for me, and since they're guilty ....Micah.... ....Colin..... it's only fitting that they be named, right?

P.P.S. Colin sort of sounds like a baffoon in this story, doesn't he? He's really not. Second truth to be told here is that we have a pretty traditional marriage, where he brings home the bacon and I fry it up in a pan. The kitchen and garden are what I'm familiar with, not him. And we love it that way. He's the smartest man I've ever met in my life and I love the fact that he enjoys a full house and that he'd be just as happy with water and crackers, if need be. His glass is always full and I love him for that.

Comments

[kara]

I remember when I was in Washington at 18 staying with a family. The lady's husband invited even more people from Church for lunch, the gal had already invited a table full prior to Sunday. So, needless to say some of us including some of the youth group {boys too} were making last minute casseroles. I'll never forget how cool she was about the whole thing. Your story is funny--however as Ina Garton says never, ever let your guests in on the situation. Things work out. I have had some "moments" in the kitchen too----{just ask my husband!}
xo

[Jamie]

Wow. Just wow. I find myself sitting here thinking "okay, if a mass of unexpected people showed up, could I throw something together?" It would likely be spaghetti, with actual pasta being an unknown at any point in time. Way to go making it work, Serena!

[Jennifer Wood]

Hilariouse! and been there...not exactly there...but somewhat, and Nathan still thinks those were the best meals when we had to throw something together. great Job and great story!

[Lindsey R.]

Oh no, I would have freaked out! You handled it like an expert hostess!

[Marilee Kline]

I love this story...but I did not laugh...too painful

[Nanci Hargis]

FUNNY! FUNNY! FUNNY!
Laughed so hard it hurt!
Thank Goodness for the GARDEN!!
Recieved my bumper sticker today!!THANKS!!
I Love the banner stamp -please share where I can get one.

[Debora]

Oh my gosh! You were very gracious! I panic when folks come and there is plenty of food! One of my biggest 'surprises' from the kids was when my stepson called to say that 'if we weren't busy', he was getting married tomorrow and do we want to stop by! That threw a little monkey wrench into our weekend plans!

[KarenSue]

OMGoodness!!

[Cindy lane]

Oh.my.goodness. Too funny! I couldn't stop laughing even though I knew where it was headed. What a talented writer you are! When I sat down at the computer tonight I had a bit of a heavy heart, but after reading your story I couldn't stop chuckling. It felt good! Thank you!! You are so very gracious under pressure. I would have cracked for sure. Congratulations on a successful evening and I'm sure you even impressed the mother-in-law!! I know your guests had a fabulous time!

[Monica]

Oh my goodness!!! It sounds like even though you were under stress, you came through with flying colors -- well done!!

[Julie Boldry]

Too funny! Glad everything turned out well! You just made all of us feel a lot better that these things happen even to a cookbook author! :)

[Dana]

You made my day with this story and I'll remember it the next time I'm rushing to be ready for guests, invited or not. :)

[Tina McINtosh]

Thankyou for that story, laughed so much was wonderful.

[Sandy Jones]

I laughed so hard while I was reading this, and am very grateful it didn't happen to me. You handled the party beautifully. I would have probably faked a headache, apologized, ordered pizza, and hidden in the garage for the duration of the party. My "OH NO!" story for you is that, while processing black walnuts yesterday, I didn't notice that my rubber gloves (which are very old) developed holes in them. Now, even after trying all the lemon juice tricks, my hands are black on both sides, and I need to be out looking for a job and going to interviews. I'm hoping that they look at my hands and think "she's not afraid to work", but more likely it will be "Either she's a mechanic or else she hasn't washed her hands and nails for 20 years!" Times like these just make for interesting stories later. What made my day though, was getting my Farm Chicks bumper sticker in the mail today. Serena, you are the best!

[Kate]

What happened to your huge new pantry space? I always have jars of pasta and sauce for emergencys like this. Good thing you are such a good farmer, your garden sure provided in a pinch. I would have freaked out and just got on the phone and ordered pizza!
I used to have waitress dreams like that...

[Maria Stordahl Nelson]

Oh wow! I've had that nightmare too I think... How funny, and wonderful that you handled it so well. I'd be tempted to send my husband out to the store, even though we don't have one just down the block..

[Stephanie @ La Dolce Vita]

thank goodness for your lovely garden! It saved the day together with your farm girl ingenuity!

[rukmini]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaa and more ha's!!! OMG. You know I guess we all have this nightmare and face it at some point. Lol. I'm so proud of you! You are one smart woman.

[debi]

Yikes!!! What a great story though, and you can laugh about it....NOW!

Thanks for the smiles,

Hug,
Deb @ Garden Party ;)

[Bundles of Blossoms]

That is insane-OMG! I am cracking up! You totally pulled it off as I knew you would! You are totally a hostess with the mostess~ Kids are just funny like that (especially boys)!!!

[Ali]

OH my gosh! haha, what a crazy dinner :)

[Marilyn Duddy]

Oh, What a great story and lesson to be learned by it! When unexpected situations happen try to find the humor in it. So often we can make due !!

[Karen]

Serena....the lesson here is that a farm chick should never have an empty freezer or bare cupboards no matter what.

I read part of this to my husband and he too asked what is the difference between a snap pea and a pea. Our marriage is like that of yours-traditional.

[Maria]

Oh dear, I can't even begin to imagine but it sounds like you managed to make it a lovely evening. You are my hero because I would have thrown in the towel :)

[Paty Z in Mexico]

I´m still laughing!! While I was reading I only thought what I would do if one of my own sons did that to me. I thought "maybe a big bunch of pasta with tomato sauce and some basil and parmesan" and then I thought "quesadillas" which means white flour tortillas with some manchego cheese, a quick sauce (like tomato, onion and cilantro all chopped, maybe a green chile and some salt). By the way never put them in the microwave, it´s better in a "comal" or just a pan to have the cheese melted.
Any way this leads me to have always a good bunch of pasta in my kitchen in case "something happens".
Have a very nice week!

[Upscale Downhome]

I could picture everything as you were writing it and I was sort of chuckling but also feeling you were feeling. Crazy!!! I'm glad it turned out okay. I think it's great your husband was so nonchalant about the whole thing.

PS--I have a Micah who is 13 too and it sound just like something he might do.

[jen@thecottagenest]

Serena! I was so stressed out reading this story. I'm glad it had a happy ending.

[Mona]

I was like RubyJean while reading this!!!

Way to go Serena the Conquerer : )

[Angie]

Just reading makes me want to hyperventilate.

[Amanda@studio1404.com]

Great story!!! I've been there! It ended up being a great night with wonderful people. Sounds like you had the same experience!

[Tammie West]

Whew...I could see where this was going and while reading, I was hyperventilating a bit...LOL. You handled it perfectly and by the end, I was laughing. Way to go!

[Jenn A]

Whew! What a party! Sounds like you handled it very well!

[Julia]

Oh my...I have had this happen, too, and I was so nervous for you while reading all about it! What a lovely ending, though, and what wonderful guests you had! You are so gracious:).

~Julia

[Cathe]

I, too, laughed and cried reading your story. You are so lovely and what a special and beautiful way you share these glimpses into your life. Thank you, so, so much!

[RubyJean]

Oh, WOW!! I think I got stressed just reading it...And then calmed when it all ended okay... : )

[sandy]

Oh what a great story, times like that are usually the best. Friends don't care they just want your company and you theirs. All is well.

[Jenny]

This was SO very entertaining to read. And I love how you made do with what little you had AND that you confessed.

[Lisa H.]

Very funny story! It sounds like you handled it with grace (and humor).

[Anna-Ruth T. Murphy]

When I worked in the restuarant biz we called those "In the Weeds" nightmares.....I still get them, but I'm always stuck in with the dirty dishes & can't get back to the customers....It sounds as though the night was a success...Congrats on pulling it off! :)

[Kelly Heeringa]

You made me both laugh and cry with this one! I sounds a little like an episode of I Love Lucy.

[kat]

Oh my gosh!!! Now I'm having nightmares! Sounds like you handled it really well though! I can totally relate!